i tried my very best not to think..
i tried not to show how much im hurting inside.
bt then there were times i juz cudnt hide those feelings.
i cried alot.. i laughed alot..
and it was all just because of u...

i don't dare ask for more..
because these moments meant so much to me..
i wudn't wana destroy it..
i rather keep myself in silence...
and enjoy every moment tat im with you..
before the day u walk out of my life for good..

i still rmb those kisses..
i still rmb those laughters..
i still rmb those hugs...
i still rmb those lame jokes..
that we used to share together..

love is pain.. it is not a fun thing to do..
but then i loved the way you love me..
i know how much i needed you..
i know how much i wanted you..
i know how my world wud b without you..

im sorry i was being reckless..
im sorry i was being stupid..
im sorry i was alwiz careless...
im sorry i wasn't understanding enuff..
im sorry for not being PERFECT enuff..
im sorry for all these, but i juz cudn't get u out of my mind..

each day dat passes by..
i hope and wished upon a star..
that one day you will come back to me...
i wish dat we cud b together...
i know i was being selfish for having these thoughts..
LOVE, has alwiz been selfish..

each time when u're with me..
i wished tat time wud juz freeze..
i hope time wud go slower..
so that i cud c u longer...
when its alwiz time to bid farewell...
i alwiz cry inside cause i still haven't had enuff..

im sorry if i ever did anything wrong..
im sorry that i never let u know how i felt..
im sorry for all those silly mistakes that i did..
im sorry that i wasn't the perfect one and might not be..
im sorry that i made u worry..
im sorry for everything...

even writing this i cried alot..
these words juz flow out so smoothly...
mayb its just sth dat alwiz had been in my heart..
i reali tried very hard to let you know..
i tried my very best to show you how much i love u..
i dun care how much pain im in..
i dun care how much tears i shed..
i dun care if i was ever happy...
you know how much i wanted you..


but nothing cud ever compares to how much happiness i felt..
JUST TO C U SMILE...

Its the last day of the year, and in less than 10hours a new year is born. we bid farewell to 2009 and welcome 2010 into the world. Well.. i hope everyone gained alot during 2009, i know i did bt still i do lost some as well..

sigh~
I do hope that i will have a good ending to 2009 and a new fresh happy beginning towards 2010.. i do hope all of u were the same as well.. happy and blessed new year to all my readers. wish u all the best of luck with loads of success and wealth coming ur way. Thank you for being with me throughout my ups and downs. =)

love u all..

2009 is coming to an end now, what hav u all achieved so far within this year. I know that i have achieved some things and lost some things as well.. Well! in life there must b a gain and a loss to make life balanced rite. Well i had let go of all my past and from tomorrow onwards i am a new person. New life, new beginning, new determination, new resolution as well as new Me♥.. I had learn a lot from the past that makes me wiser each day. Altho i am still not perfect and still at times repeat making the same mistakes, bt still non of them were purposely done.. I have had a great whole December with memories dat will lasts a lifetime, a great best buddy to stick by me at all times when i, feeling down, a loving parents and probably you♥.. What more could i ask for? i had almost everything dat a girl wud have wanted. Money is not reali dat important except when it comes to paying bills, daily expenses, feeding ur car with either 95 or 97 ( still prefer 95 cuz its cheaper and it makes no difference frm 97), or mayb when u wanted to buy dat LV bag.. hahaha.. oh mayb money might b important in life as well cuz nth in this world is FREE, for dats wad i know.. hahah... bt money is not important when is comes to happiness, cuz no money cus b able to buy u those priceless happiness.. ppl did told me, happiness is when u buy stuffs u like, yes i do agree on SOME part but not all.. den wad do u think abt this "does money ever buy u those so-called-happiness when u r diagnosed with disease that not even money cud ever cure u, or when u r breaking/divorcing with ur partner dat was caused because of money.. the lists will go on and on and on.. bt im juz lazy to list it down. Well, at times i do have my own financial problems which does give me a pain in the butt, but then i choose to live my life happily knowing tat tmrw might b my last. Well, i appreciate every single moment i had without hesitating doing things i like cause i never wanted to make myself regret when i looked back one day.. The only thing i did regret was not being able to provide a better living for my family. I was rebellious, playful and selfish while i was in my teens. I never ever cared about anyone else other den myself. i used to scold, curse and even steal.. all juz for the fun of grabbing attention. YESH! i am an attention seeker laz time.. i believe some of u who is reading this blog might also or been in my shoes before. But since i had changed, i believe that U can too.. All it needs was some experience and u will learn and grow up in no time.

Now for my brand new year in not more den 48 hours, i do wish dat i had a BF.. hahaha.. well since i knocked so hard on the floor pavement yst, i guess the wire is still kinda loose in my head..
so juz ignore this sentence.

Well, i did wana blog abt how much fun i had with the girls on 25th in Tao. but first and foremost i wud like to thank u all for the lovely prezzie.. i am using it now and i appreciate it vy much. Wad a smart idea of getting me a purse since im gonna b using it eviday, this will reminds me of u all. I do actually hope u all enjoyed the red wine and the night. It was kinda simple cuz i din actually planned out anything.. but i was reali hapi to have u all there. Thank u all for the great bday.

ok im getting more and more heavy while blogging, i wonder was it bcuz i juz had brunch or was it bcuz of the fall yst dat makes my head sot-sot at times. hahah.. well, it roughly abt 2mth's more before you will b leaving me. i wonder till then what is goin to happen.. i dare not think, i dare not ask, i dare not even dream abt it cause im scared. i am enjoying each and every moment i am having right now and its too beautiful if someone were to take it all away.. i duno y hav i fall so hard but then im happy as long as i know you are happy. ur smile is the onli things dat makes me meltzz♥♥♥♥ u might not b dat perfect to others but then i like u juz the way u r. Bear that in mind. You are alwiz perfect juz being urself.

okok here will my New Year resolution be..

1. Achieve a good result in my school and be the best student in whole M'sia to get at least that two title i have been aiming for.
2. Get a Bf, (in the midst) hahahahhaha♥
3. get bek to my ideal figure i had 2 yrs back. ♥
4. Earn more money so that i will be able to at least not worry about my financial.
5. Blog more.. hahahah
6. Do more for myself, Him and my family..♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Ok basically i guess this is wad i figure out so far.. i might add if i could think more. Bt then mainly my target for the whole of next yr is 1st and 3rd. The rest is rest assured dat i will work hard for it to happen. If this is what i want, i will need to work hard to achieve it. Ok i guess enuff of saying d.. i think i will blog more in a few days to come about NYE's celebration.. till then.. bye bye...


PS : if u dun like wad i wrote.. u can juz FUTT off.. ♥♥♥

wow.. it seems dat i have not been touching my blog for quite awhile now.. hahah.. so now gonna do some quickie updates.. im in a hunger mode now.. juz ate apples for dinner.. =.=!!

ok, so this is a post abt my bday celebration dat had juz passed. I had a splendid and reali memorable party dat day.. its not reali a party dat is made for me bt then it was an awesome party dat i cud say, amazing. i had early dinner on 24th at Tao's restaurant with my parents and a few others =).. We had a great time snapping pics and eat..eat...eat... tho i din reali eat alot.. ON DIET ma.. So my parents gave me the key necklace on dat day while my godbro gave me angpows lor..

After dinner i was supposed to meet a bunch of frens in HR dat nite bt ended up din go as frens din have a confirm answer as to wer thy were goin. So i went to UPR with Kent win while waiting for suesan.. Too bad nicole din came with us but the its a good thing she din came cuz we were like, went home super late and the next day she nits to work summore.. hahah. So when we reached it was kinda early still i guess cause thr were no traffic jams thr. We went to sega to hav a drink 1st while suesan took her time coming with the beloved so called Hiao Kang bro.. hahaah
den we were like chatting chatting chatting and camwhorming <-- as wad i did usually, chenchen called and ask wer was i.. after a few minutes thy appear in the toilet and gave me a cake.. how sweettttt... i was like so hapi cuz horrrr, ppl so wu sim.. gam dong lar.. hahah.. after dat when san reached we went to Mois.. Its packed and we hardly cud get in there.. bt luckily san met one of her frens dat bought us in. Then when we were inside we waited for table cuz all the tables were like full.. =.=!!!! bt surprised dat the club is not reali packed until like sardins..

while i was on tehe way inside i met sarah, hot mama dat i knew in starbucks.. on thing funny was we alwiz bump into each other no matter wer we go.. its like ady been more den 4 times ady.. i guess this is wad i called fate.. hahah

Afta dat san tiok hilang go to duno wer liao, so i remained thr with Hiao kang 1, Hiao kang 2 and ah boy. hahahha... u guys mz b wondering who is 1 and two.. come let mem introduce.. hiao kang 1 is our beloved shane koh while hiao kang 2 is no other den kent win.. hhaha.. wey~ this post is juz for fun nia arrr.. dun keep in ur heart arrr.. i guess when the liquor arrived on our table we took almost half hour to finish it all.. i drank like errrr.... 3 neat glass of dat liquor.. so tak sedap.. yuck!!!.. hahahah den afta dat of cuz time to dance liao lar... Met cat thr, my beloved dance partner.. used to dance sexy dance tgther laz time.. hahahaha.. she's still dat good..

met javon thr as well.. he was like so high.. ahahahhahahhah..

den after dat suak tiao.. (end ) so all go bek home.. hahahahahahah.. no more updates liao..
i malas mau write oso.. mayb see mood.. if good tmrw update more abt the next day mia gathering with the gals..

i cudnt bliv in one day i bcame the hot topic of the day.. hahahahahahah... notification full till inbox nit to delete.. =.=!! anyway love ya'll..





mishhhhh euuuuu... <3

Went to have my usual facial in gurney few days ago. It was supposed to be the last one ady but bought another package for maintain purpose. Acne is still not really cleared fully, so i guess another few times shud do the trick ba.. if not im reali gonna cry d.. After facial guess wad my parents did, thy brought me my bday gift, and to mark my 21st bday this year.. thy bought me a key necklace with a love design on it.. its not cheap but then i really love it. This is my 1st burffdae prezzie from my parents and mum said she'll keep till its my actual date onli den she'll giv it to me.. Wasn't able to take pics of the necklace tho, bt nvm lar... will post it after my bday. Nth special to other ppl bt then its a token of love frm them to me.. so it meant alot to me.

Well, im on a strict diet now, means no rice, no-flour contained foods, no junk foods... STRICT NO NO for about a mth... i am only allowed to take lean meats, lotsa vege's, fruits.. Dat's all.. Bt for the time being b4 my bday i got another extreme kinda diet.. My secret ingredient...shhhh~ i hope by doing dat it works.. i've been doin serious workouts these few days as well.. hope all these will turn to be good results for me.. i've been working reali hard to achieve this.. pls dun fail me..


Seems dat most ppl are on holidays now, and im stuck at home.. bt well, its good too as i dun reali have the mood to go out as well... i juz feel like lazy-ing on the bed the whole day.. starring at the computer.. doing absolutely nth except workouts.. dats all.. even with my bday ard the corner, i have no mood at all to celebrate it.. i do have a list of wishes tat hoped to be granted this year, but hopefully Santa would be kind enuff to grant them for me.. i've been a very good gal this year.. so pretty puleezeeee Santa..

My brain is not functioning well these few weeks.. its going haywire and the screw is getting loose.. HaiLat lorrrrr~
im writing this blog in a half conscious state.. cuz i'm sick at the moment.. my eyes are almost closing now bt his face is clearly in my mind now.. i miss him so much as days goes by.. i can't seem to get him out of my mind and i can't forget him. y does it have to be so hard.. bt im still hoping for the best to happen.. im still waiting~ and will keep on...

counting till xmas ~ 7 days

days b4 the end ~ 62 days... =(

9 more days to go till xmas.
But al of a sudden i didn't really feel the excitement, its like sth's missing.

I... still... can't... get over you
I never forget...
Boy I never forget.... boy
Can't remember how many years it has been since we broke up
But I cry every time when I think about you
Why Im so eager to see you today?
The sound of rain droplets leaves my heart shaken up.

I regret giving you my love
I regret getting attached to you
I regret holding you back
Why do I have to face the pain alone?
I regret giving you my love
I regret getting attached to you
I regret holding you back
Why do I have to face the pain alone?
I tried to be your only girl
And did you ever understood my heart?
Now it became the compass
Of broken love
Tears are flowing down
And soaks the dry lips
Oh what should I do,Now I can't erase you out of my mind

I cried a lot because of you (I cried every night~)
I laughed a lot because of you (Because of you)
I believed in the love because of you (Wooh boy~)
Ive lost everything because of you
Im speechless, suffocating and lonely
The world without you has
Chewed out my heart
Stomped on my dignity
Torn apart my heart
So why did you leave me behind?

It also rained on that day
Youve stared at me wordlessly
Youve stared at nothing else but me
Those trembling gazes,And the awkwardly forced smile
Speaks of our separation.


I regret giving you my love
I regret getting attached to you
I regret holding you back
Why do I have to face the pain alone?
I regret giving you my love
I regret getting attached to you
I regret holding you back
Why do I have to face the pain alone?
Youve told me to leave
And the moment leave
You treat me as if Im insane
Its just too hard (boy slow down)
Then I cry silently and wordlesslyCause I want to stay next to u
My luv is true, wanna go back 2 when I was with u

I cried a lot because of you (I cried every night~)
I laughed a lot because of you (Because of you)
I believed in the love because of you (Wooh boy~)
Ive lost everything because of you
Im speechless, suffocating and lonely
The world without you has
Chewed out my heartStomped on my dignityTorn apart my heart
So why did you leave me behind?

I miss u I need u
Even in my dreams Im wit u..
I miss u I need u
Rewind back the timeI wanna kiss u again ma boy

My heart aches
Its too much to bear
And where are you? (I cried a lot)
Cant live without you
Please come back to meAnd stay with me


I cried a lot because of you (Yeah~)
I laughed a lot because of you (I laughed a lot~)
I believed in the love because of you (Oooh-Yeah~)
Ive lost everything because of you (Because of you~)
Im speechless, suffocating and lonely
The world without you has
Chewed out my heartStomped on my dignityTorn apart my heart
So why did you leave me behind?

Getting tired while waiting… (U know?)
Gotten tired while waiting and~
U Know, do you know how I feel?
Gotten tired while waiting~
Do you still remember me? (Oh~ no)
Even if a day goes by, I'll still remember you
Even if a month goes by, I still won't let you go
Can you understand my desires for you? (oh~no)
Going insane while waiting
and each day feels like a year.
Oh~ I, I I I~ was waiting and while I was waiting,( yeah~)
It felt as if you would come back
or if I look back I would see your face

Oh~ I I I I~ am going insane, going insane (yeah~)
I am holding back just in case you come back, (oh yeah~ )
I am still waiting (oh yea~)
Even if a month goes by, I'll still remember you.
Even if a year goes by, I still won't let you go
Can you understand my desires for you? (oh~no)
Going insane while waiting
and each day feels like a year.
Oh~ I, I I I~ was waiting and while I was waiting
It felt as if you would come back
or if I look back I would see your face
Oh~ I I I I~ am going insane, going insane (yeah~)

Why is it so hard
and everything's so complicated in my head.
I was waiting and waiting
and yet no answers from you
I didn't cry because of you
and you didn't leave because of me
So why is it so hard, why is it so hard?

I will wait for a year
or even a decade if I have to.
Oh~ I I I I I I I I will wait and it's fine if tire myself out.
Going insane while waiting
and each day feels like a year.
Oh~ I, I I I~ was waiting and while I was waiting
It felt as if you would come back
or if I look back I would see your face
Oh~ I I I I~ am going insane, going insane (yeah~)

my face is red and im down with slight fever..

these few days i've been having insomnia. can't sleep well, kept on thinking abt alot of stuffs.. my body is tearing apart yet my mind is still so wide awake.. i'll be starting my course next january ard 4th but due to insufficient place fr me and a student so our class is only 2days a wekk till march.. and frm monday till friday will b off and sat and sun will b d day we're having class... so im planning to take part time job to at least lower my burden for the moment.. i got too much to do and i need income coming in as well. xmas is coming d and i hav yet to plan out anything.. for this special day of mine, i dun reali wana clbrt with anyone excpt one particular person. but still the more the merrier rite.. heheheh...


been into korean songs lately, influence by si lang kent.. hahah..


but seriously its reali nice, even if u search in youtube, you'll love it cause of the meaning. i dun know abt those ppl out thr but then at times i feel the meaning in most of the songs xplains the feelings in my heart.. probably diz is y i love these songs.

well i guess blogging to me nowadays has been more like a personal journal for me to express my feelings.. bt still whenever thr's other things to blog abt im sure to blog abt it oso..

past few days old illness visited me again.. yea, the kind which reali likes to let u feel wad hell is abt kinda illness.. its back... argggghhh~ hate nia. i've been listening to the same song for the past few days while having a kinda sad feelings inside. i wan to find someone to talk to but i dun think anyone will b able to understand, so i guess keeping it inside is the best choice.. no matter how, at least im still smiling for those ppl i love.. u knw lar, girls pandai emo wan lar.. bt i guess im good in hiding my feelings cuz i dun think any1 realized it, except for nicole.. cilaka nia! all oso knw wan...

its not easy to put on a mask infront of everyone, its not easy to tell ppl u're ok while ure not and definitely its not easy to find a shoulder to lean on for u to weep. bt at least i can b hapi whenever i told myself, 'there's still hope'. i've been relying on the word 'hope' all this while.. 'hope' is wad keeps me strong for these two month's.

but, i smile whenever i see u smile. =)

Its the 9th day of December.

These past few days, been having gastric attacks and kinda serious ones but still not as serious as the one i had previously dat had me admitted to the hospital. Been on medication these few days dat made me weak and face turn pale. Luckily got makeup to cover it up. hehehehe... had fever on and off. but shud b ok in a few days more d.. cuz the pain is not dat severe d.


how can i find that answer to my question and how can i stand up from the fall i had? does crying helps you to release your emotion? does acting silly cover your tears? does lying to urself helps u to feel better?

i did try to choose to live life more happily. but how come sth is missing. =(

Its the 6th day of December, holiday season now. Everywhere i go thy joy of x'mas fills me up. The decorations, the songs and even the foods that could only be found during x'mas is out. X'mas this year has been abit slow for me. Or its has been like this for the past few years. How is everyone doin and wad is your new year's resolution for the year 2010. I sure had mine planned out nicely. Well, will share it here at the end of the post MAYB! hehehe.. So mayb you could share yours with me 1st. =)

My birthday is just ard the corner but i din quite feel the excitement altho im goin to b officially 21 this year. I felt that i had waste alot of my time this doin sth dat is absolutely goin no wer. Bt at least my mind is aware now and im goin the correct path now. Did sth stupid and silly today. Ok, well it was silly but at least i wud b stupid not doing it. Nicole was trying to slap me back to reality just now.. i was like laughing and laughing and laughing.. She did ask me wad's my plan for my birthday, seriously i gave her a dumb folded face and said i dun know. She is someone i wud say, understands me well and she knw wad's on my mind. Did told her if she duno wad i need, want and thinking im gonna downgrade her bff's position to normal friend position... we laughed.

Well, i gotta look things at the bright side too once in a while. Im trying to keep my mind in reality now cause i've been trying to make life as a fairy tale these few days.. sucks rite.. hahahah i knw.


i've been not feeling well these two days due to serious gastric problem.. Had late lunch yst and boy, the late was really pretty late. I am still feeling the dizziness and the pain in the abdomen.. Din tell my parents tho cuz the last time of the attack i was being hospitalized for a whole week. =.=!! I am taking med now, and im feeling much better compared to yst altho its still not fully recovered.

Nicole asked me to come along to kl a few days b4 my birthday. I still dun knw if i could make it? budget is a problem as well as birthday is ard the corner and i bet i will b spending some amount tho. Birthday this year will be as quiet as the past few years. i wonder if my wish wud came true this year.

Am i someone who is dat bad? yea, from the look of my record, i guess its quite bad. Bt, at least im no longer looking to b like who i am back in the past. I guess i need to thank Asaph for this. He thought me alot about life as well and he is the one who made me realize dat i need a purpose in life. Well i had everything in order now, almost perfect except one thing is missing.

well, like miley cyrus's the climb im feeling sth like this lyrics here