a few of my closest friends asked me,

'why are you so quiet and looked lost lately? you wernt like this laz time.. are you alrite?'

I wish tat i would be able to answer them this but however i was asking myself the same question too. each day literally i had those thoughts of ending everything in my life. I cried almost every single day without a reason. I would be happy now and very upset the next minute. You can see me talking to myself at times, you can even see that my eyes dun seem to have a life in it. Im practically a dead walking zombie that has just lost its soul. I looked up numerous psychiatrist that is available in penang, but each time im wondering.. if i go.. what should i say. im tired of alwiz having the thoughts of feeling insecure and wanting to die. im reali goin mad.. its juz a matter of time i reali did that. im tired n sick of al this.. bt im glad parents dun knw bout this. at least thy dun have to worry

i wish i was in Aus now. i really need him.. bt i knw its impossible.......

Today wasnt a really good day for me. I am really exhausted plus my mood is really really bad. Thursday was supposed to be a family dinner night as usual but then i made it into a disaster. the only day that mum n dad is able to have a proper meal as a family with me and i had to leave early as im rushing home to get my sleep. I fucking hate having to alwiz wake up so early to rush to penang just in time to avoid the 730 jam whereas my working times is at 9. But then i got no choice as most major multinational company is located in Penang. I wud just have to bear with that. Having to sleep ard 9 or 10 everyday is supposed to be sufficient for me but yet i am still very tired and exhausted. Almost each day i would doze off while driving, and almost a few times almost caught myself with accident because of that. I cried in the car just now while driving home feeling so guilty leaving my parents behind to finish their meal but i got no choice. Each day i will try my very best to get more sales but then things weren't so beautiful as it seems. I give myself the motivation i needed, i give myself the pressure that is required so that i would not fail to get myself placed as permanent.. i try not to let everyone around me b disappointed at me. I hate being so cranky and moody everyday. Even now i lost my appetite to eat. I hardly finish half the portion of my meal just now. i ate only a few bites and left the rest to my parents. Mum just said to me, if they wud have know i wud act like this, they rather went home straight. Almost each day i came back feeling so happy that i can finally rest my head on the pillow. But each day i feel so heart ache, i don't know y? I am sorry. I am trying the best i can to be someone better.. im really tired... i wish there was sth i can do...

I always thought that i'm aware of what im doing. But it seems that i don't. Sadness is a part of me, being emotional is a part of me, anger fills me up, disappointment always lurks around me while happiness is always a distance away or probably beyond reachable. Each time im frustrated i will turn on the music so loud that i could hear nothing but the music, close my eyes and dance..

I tried my best to be someone that i can say perfect, instead i am turning more and more into someone that is the total opposite. I am always so conscious about my looks, my looks and the way i act and probably i am too conscious that i turned into a monster. Maybe i am still that selfish that's why i am left alone till now.. Someone once told me that if i don't change i WILL b left alone..

I feel that its coming into a reality now. I feel changes happening, bad changes to me but mayb good changes for others. I can't stop being a drama queen, i can't stop being a BITCH.. i don't even know what i want. I feel so lost. I feel no one is there to pull me.. i feel so left out. i am beginning to hate myself for all that happened. I hate being so emotional all the times. i hate being so sensitive to every words people are saying. i hate it even more when im being ignored after an argument. i hate being left alone during my most weakest time.. I told myself to be strong.. i cannot let others have the chance to defeat me.. bt each time i failed.. i alwiz show the white flag in most of situations.. Can i b princess for once in a while?

I have finished training and will officially b on the floor picking up calls starting Monday onwards.. gosh!! kinda nervous bt then im looking forward to it.. Well, sooner or later its gona happen oso rite... so might as well face it earlier n get used to it.. Im gona make sure i hit all my targets so that i can b converted into perm since now im onli under contract.. kesian =(

well, it has been quite a tiring week for me.. lately i realized i went to bed straight after work.. i dun feel like goin out, not even on weekends.. i have been exhausted, stressed up and definitely putting on weight since i joined Dell.. hahahha... good foods from the bosses and vendors.. if i dun watch out for my weight i guess by the time my bf come back, he wont b able to recognize me anymore.. T.T

good news, my face is recovering frm the massive breakouts.. im on medication for the past one week and the result is clearly seen.. let me see.. i guess apart frm the skin medication, the sinus medication is oso almost finishing soon d.. after another month den im medicine-FREE... no more annoying pills for me dy..

i reali dun understand how come lately i am so so so afraid of cold.. the other day during training i nit to put on two jackets n shiver while the others are feeling kinda humid n hot cause the temperature is ady 25.. =.=!! thy were like ' ey u got problem kah.. we so hot u so cold =.=!!'

im sooooooooo tired... i guess tmrw i will continue blogging more.. nite nite

i have just started working in a totally different and new environment. the first two days wasnt that bad for me, or so it was. i am starting to enjoy the training that is gona last for the first 2 weeks and after dat is goin live for me. im getting kinda nervous if i cud catch up, worrying if i will b kicked out. so many things... ppl is having their mid 40's crisis n im having my early 20's crisis. wad a boomer huh~ bt to b frank, im scared to be alone.. im 22 this year.. changing so many jobs within my 4 years of working life, hoping here n thr frm kl to penang to kl and now back to penang. im getting sick and tired of the life im goin thru now. it seems i didn't really had time to breath other den caught up in work. i wish i was bek in college.. at least apart frm those assignments and exams, i dun have to get worried abt age, loosing jobs or even commitments.. my brain is totally crashed right now, juz like how a hard disk got crash.. i cant think of anything and all i can do right now is emo n emo n more emo... ppl are getting fed up with the attitude im having right now. parents are getting frustrated of looking at my sour pissed face and im getting tired of life.. i see friends who is still having honeymoon in schools and at least after thy graduate thy will onli b starting their working life probably ard 23/24 and yet i have started mine since im 18.. i feel more like a 25 right now rather den who i am supposed to feel.. that reali explains the mixed up feelings im having rite now..

lately i love to argue alot with my bf, i love to complain alot like an old woman, i love to brag abt stuffs, i love to do almost everything a mid 20's wud do.. i feel so old, felt so tied up in life.. i feel like crashing anytime bt i got no one thr for me.. if i wud have crashed, thr's no way i wud b able to stand up again.. if my parents are well to do enuff, i wudnt hav a problem.. bt thy arent.. i had to b strong, or forced to be strong.. i wan to b a kid again.. i wan to stay out of pressure.. i cant stand the pressure im goin thru now.. i am suffocating, i cant breath, im not happy.... i hate being emotional almost everyday or crying almost every nights or even wishing it was weekend again every weekdays. i hate crying everytime i blog.. i wish that there was sth happi dat i cud blog about.. i guess apart frm being in a rlship.. thrs nth happy to blog abt.. my life is juz so fucking sad. tho i hope so much to have sth happy to blog abt.. bt guess thr isn't..

i feel so much under pressure dat my head is goin to explode anytime soon. i hate it.. i totally hate it.. i hate giving ppl the impression that i am an attention seeker by posting all these fucking blogs abt how emo i am bt then i am not ok.. blog is sth close to me, sth dat i cud release my anger, frustration and emotion to.. this is my journal, this is me. if u hate looking at this kinda blogs, mayb u shud juz go sumwer else.. probably to some Bimbo's blog.. well i am definitely not a pretender or an attention seeker.. im juz being myself and writing abt sth dat i feel.

at least after blogging.. life still continue.. tmrw is still a working day.. nth changes.. except reminding myself i have a future to feed..

it often is a very normal things in a rlship wer two ppl argued about different opinion, argued about what colour the living room should b painted, what car shud thy buy if thy wana have children half of a football team or probably what shud thy name their kids. arguments at times are a method to learn abt each other's different thoughts and to understand each other for the better. Bt then if an arguments that often occurs is a rlship, its also not good. Arguments often leaves sadness, hurts, scars and feelings of disappointment if its not properly settled. Often in a arguments either party will b left crying or probably either one will juz break the word and break up. Relationship are something more alike an embryo forming into a fetus and growing into a form of a baby. a rlship takes time to grow, love to nurture it, understanding to mold it, trust to giv it life and each other to make it work. But it also take seconds to destroy it. Its not easy to find someone who can truly understands you, to accept u fr who u are and to love u fr who u will be. It takes two hands to clap and two ppl to make it work. Same like how a baby is formed, by an ovum and a sperm, combined. Love can be a very beautiful thing human being can ever experience. The only thing is how you make the best out of it. Learn to appreciate those around you before you loose them and onli then you realise.. it might already b too late.

Love is the next best things anyone cud ever have. I didn't say everyone might enjoy the feelings of love cause there are many brokenhearted ppl out thr as well. Bt ask those ppl who are in love, what will thy say?

Seriously frm my point of view, love is the onli reason i still live. because with love thr comes HOPE, FAITH and BELIEVE. each day i live hoping dat i cud have another day with the person i love, each day i hold on to faith knowing dat we will never be apart believing dat we alwiz have each other. But at times, i struggle with myself cuz im loosing faith cuz im scared.

The thoughts of death is alwiz haunting my mind knowing dat sth is wrong and im avoiding it. I put on a smile, tuck myself to bed each day, praying to God, thinking abt the memories i had with tears flowing out.. i said goodnight =)

Its almost 1 now. I still cant sleep. Bt tmrw is the 1st day of work for me. i got to get some rest as well. Im so scared right now.. This is the 1st time i feel like im alone in this. I loose my faith. I wish that thr were sth dat i can do to fix all this. I want things to b perfect, flawless.. bt then i think i am pushing things too hard and it made me push other more important people away frm me. I feel im being really selfish dat im giving the person i love the most a burden. being emotional most of the time IS giving another person a burden. don't deny this fact bt then is the truth.

Well, life's dat hard, what choices cud i possibly hav? I'm starting to feel that i am someone who gives more pressure and trouble to others instead of helping to take them off. I seriously dun knw what good can i do? i juz knw each day this thoughts come across my mind.. is it because im lonely, or is it because i feel left out? the stress in my life is getting more n more heavier. i wish there was sth i could do. bt im too weak to even hold on to myself yet to do it alone......

Dont really know was it time or im growing older each day. Fact is, i really am. I just had a look at those pictures of me while im a kid. Each pictures that was taken, each moments that had passed.. i really couldn't imagine when im 12 i hoped so much to go to high school and wear those blue pinafore instead of those navy blue ones.. hahaha... then when im in secondary school, i wished so much that i was 18 so that parents wouldn't bother me that much hanging out with friends.. upon reaching 18.. i wished so much i was legally 21 cause there were so many cool and happening clubs which i cant enter due to the age ( which i still enter anyhow ) Hahahah!! bad girl.. and finally im officially 21.. which i don't feel any difference as i am a working adult now with responsibilities and commitment to which at times i missed those times when i could still skip school to go for movies or Karaoke with my buddies, those times when we used to gossip about almost everything.. those moments are priceless.. at times i do wana try putting on those pinafore and see how much weight i've gained.. hahahah.. thinking back on those rebellious moments last time reali made me smile.. those days when me and my buddies used to laugh so loud that even the floor below us heard our laughter's.. i still rmb those times when we reali hated someone, we wud use glue and pour it over the person's chair and let them sit on it.. HAHAH.... yes, that was me back then.. i wud alwiz go against the school rules.. dat's y im famous among the teachers..

when i was a teenager, i wud alwiz wana b that popular girl among friends, to be the one with the latest gadgets lar, the most active one in sports bt not academic-ly HAHAhhaha, to b the one famous among anyone ( negative ) hahaha... wadever u cud think of i have did all of them at school. bt my rebellious level is not that bad compared to co-ad schools.. we are all girls school so how bad cud we go.. we are still afraid of the teachers wad.. bt one thing to be proud of.. no matter how naughty i was i was alwiz the class teacher's pet.. hahaha..

well, dats 4 years back.. now all i want is a good future which im still working on it. im not young anymore, yea alot of ppl said ey 21 is still vy young bt i dun feel so.. i alwiz feel 21 is considered capable enuff to do alot of things ady since you're officially legal in age now.. wadever u do, u will b held responsible and ur parents no longer can take the blame for u anymore.. to me 21 is the right timing for you to determine what you want and who you wana be in life? some ppl might still b having the time of their life in school or even in the clubs and some might already be working their ass off for a better living and some might already b having err 2 or 3 kids by now.. hahah..i know alot of my friends is happily married already bt im no where ready for it.

Life is tough, no one said it would be easy, bt wad is Life when u don't go thru ups and downs.. if life is alwiz gona be 'that' easy, that is not life.. you learn from falling down, you learn from mistakes that you did, you learn from your past and you learn from being imperfect. In life there never is an easy way out to things.. there never is.. There is no shortcuts in life and there's definitely no shortcuts in getting to the things you wants. you alwiz get things using the hard way cause that way, only you will learn to appreciate things around you. Well, i am alwiz the same confused girl which never could make up her mind in doin the right decisions but im fighting for it. I read aot of books, i've seen alot of people, i've experienced alot of ups and downs in life for a 21 year old which i guess alot of people my age had never experienced this much.. i have been thru alot to be who i am standing right now.. tho at times i still behave like a kid, which i reali likes and it annoys ppl at times, bt then im just being myself.. well, when im around people or as i cud say, ppl which im not familiar with eg, colleagues or mayb new frens.. i am alwiz not reali myself.. well.. this is a way for me to protect myself frm getting harmed or hurt by others.


I have been so moody lately, feeling so stressed out.. i missed those times when im in kl where there were so many friends for me to hang out with.. those pool's sessions wer it makes me relax whenever im having a bad day at work or even when im stressed out. Here in penang, altho its a place where is belong, i just cudnt find anyone to talk to.. everyone seems so busy with their things. i feel so lonely here.. =( bt then at least im near to home..

i'll will alwiz remember one phrase, 'God has plans for all of us'.

Life seems so stressful horrrrrrr... i guess when i change job i wud b trice stressful compared to now. phewww~ life will alwiz b stressful to me no matter where i am cause that's life basically.. it onli depends what u make out of life itself.. its either u choose to b happy with life or to alwiz nag abt how life can b.. its ur choice anyway.. i on the other hand appreciate what life has for me. tho i might hate those times wer life feels so shitty bt then after nagging and complaining it to my partner, i wud feel better the next day after i wake up.. juz dat i pity my bf cause he has to be the one to calm me down everytime..

对不起了。幸苦你吧了。但，谢谢你当我在最弱时候自此我，安慰我，鼓励我，疼爱我。谢谢你没放弃过我在我最难过的时候。我从不觉得自己能够为你付出些什么，但是我会答应你，当你最需要人时候，我会是第一个在你身边静静地听你诉苦。 宝贝，我们已经在一起两个月多了吧。也经过不少了吧。未来还很多风破哦，但放心，我们会手牵手一起度过。虽然你现在离我很远，但是每一天我都在COUNT down哦=）我华裔应该会比较好了吧， 应为有拼硬帮我哦。宝贝，习惯吗没有我在你身边照顾你， 我好想念你哦。不知你是否也在想念我现在。答应我， 你会努力好好读书，不要放弃应为我每天都为你祈祷让上天保护你和让你得到好沉寂。现在我坐的一切不再是为了我自己，不再是为了其他人，而是为了你和我。我每天都向你诉苦，你一定觉得好累了吧。对不起啊。soliii soliiii...... 你知道吗之前我完全不会想过我会跟你在一起毕竟我喜欢的是同性的人，你是第一个让我改变，让我感受得到，‘我很想拥有这个男人’。你所做的东西，所讲过的笑话，所表过的感受我都还记得。我们第一次牵手，你给我的第一个文还很清楚的在脑海里。感觉就像你还没离开过这边。很想摸摸你手，很想睡在你怀抱，很想在听你无聊的笑话， 我真的好想念你哦。还有225天就到11月了。时间过得特别慢当你不在我身边。奇怪，当你在时候偏偏时间就过得特别快。好不公平！！宝贝，我好多话想告诉你哦，好多位子很想带你去阿。等你回来时候我们一起去哦。记得在那边好好的照顾自己，冷时候记得该被被，肚子饿时候记得吃东西， 记得喝多多水啊。还有，记得好好休息。被累坏知道吗？记得我较你读书的方式哦。迟了！还不去睡觉。。 没有东西了拉。爱你深深哦。mwakxxxxx... 永远爱你的鼻鼻。