every now and then i feel that im getting tensed up very easily.. i get pissed off easily too.. my emotion is so unstable lately.. im not juz merely PMSing. bt then i feel troubled most of the time.. i cant get a peaceful mind.. and i feel so annoyed bt that kinda feelings. i dont knw y do i alwiz have the feelings of being so useless and never been able to do anything dat i can feel proud of. is my life determined to b this way.. i dont and i wont spend the rest of my life being a fool and being someone who is alwiz a FAILURE to the both of you. i thought that encouragement is what you were supposed to show me not splashing me with cold water and treating me with those cold shoulder of urs. you know how much i hated when u turn ur back against mine when i need you. i myself already have those thoughts saying im a failure myself and i was hoping you wud at least say i am not.. bt instead you tell me i am and elaborating those things dat made me realise I AM INDEED A FAILURE.. i feel so deeply depressed and sad.. i am tired.. reali reali tired of practically everything you guys said.. you never gave me any good encouraging words.. you guys alwiz blame me fr almost anything dat happend.. you guys alwiz made me feel so bad so bad dat i wish i was dead. do i actually deserve all this.. am i reali dat bad. you know how much i envy other people who lives better den me.. dun stir up my anger.. you guys knw wad kind of things i hated the most and yet u guys still treat me this way.. have u ever realized that i dun wan any of this to happen.. do u think this is the life i actually wanted also.. i oso wished dat i was in the life tat i was enjoying b4 all these happend.. why dun u blame ur brother instead for causing all this sorrows to us.. i know that you guys are upset for being in this situation and i too am feeling reali bad for not being able to help out and yet i need help from u.. u think i dun feel anything.. i DO.. i DO.. bt i tried.. i tried so hard dat even my own health was at stake laz time.. did u knw abt all this.. NO!! dats cuz i dun wan to make u worry abt me.. bt then wad i got bek frm u was words full with torns.. hate and sadness.. i miss my old life as much as u two missed it.. bt this is the reality and this is the fact.. mayb i wud live better when the both of u start encouraging me more instead of alwiz giving me words of discouragement and putting all blames on me

have not been blogging for the past few days now.. well been kinda bz lately with work.. i was kinda occupied most of the time either with works or sleeping.. and not forgetting of cuz my baby.. hahah. we juz had dinner with my parents juz now after work and had a long chat, which onli now i found out dat our grandparents were friends.. =.=!!

i duno why, i cant reali sleep now, but i guess dat he's fast asleep or mayb he might b in his dreamland by now. well, good for him then.. all i want is for him to have a peaceful sleep as he's not reali feeling well oso these few days.. bt now he's feeling better d.. i am so happy that i get to stay with him as often as i cud, cuz he'll b goin bek to studies after CNY and i wil onli get to meet him probably this year end.. as much as im gona miss him.. but i still have to go on and work work work my ass off... so if im lucky i might earn enuff to pay him a visit or probably attend his convocation as well.. =) at the moment im so addicted to tik tok by 2pm.. mayb cuz its the lyrics and the rythm of the songs dat got me so crazy over this song.. another song im oso crazy abt is over u by weesung.. this two are great song.. but now i'll paste the translated version of tik tok.


<3 <3

Nobody knows
How I want you like this everyday
Every time I embrace you behind the stage
My heart bursts

We greet each other awkwardly in front of people
But when we turn away, I'm the one who knows you best

I can hear more loudly in my ear
what you say with your gaze, that's right
Your desire for me, your thirst
We go crazy for each other like this

*That I love you secretly
That you're really my girl
Drive me so crazy every day
I just want you, you this way

Come here tik tok tik tok tik tok
When I see you tik tok tik tok tik tok
All day tik tok tik tok tik tok
My heart tik tok tik tok tik tok*

Nobody knows
That you and I love like this every day
There's no room in my heart for anyone to come in besides you

Tik, I knew from the beginning
Tik, there was something about you
Tik, in that gaze you stared at me with

Tok, For your exhilarating love
Tok, I'm always thirsty
Tok, I keep searching for you secretly

*Repeat

You're my only star
No one knows about anything, don't worry
Look at my eyes, I'll protect you
I'm by your side, just like this

It's our secret, it's our secret, its our secret
It's taking control of me

Escape everyone's eyes, spill the burden of our relationship onto me
In my dreams, I hold onto your hand proudly like everyone else and walk
In my busy day, my work, dreams and everything else are forgotten
By our love going tik tok like the hand on a clock that doesn't know how to stop

*Repeat

Tik tok tik tok tik tok (x4)



well... all i can say is this songs sang out everything my heart wants to say..altho i juz saw him juz now.. i miss him badly now.. i duno why.. and i hear fireworks outside.. freaking loud.. i guess its frm the temple opposite my house.. how i wish we were at a ground rite now while i sleep on his chest watching the starry starry sky filled with millions and millions of stars. well.. i guess i got to hit the bed now.. tmrw is gonna b another day for me.. nitez peepz... nitez dar

I've been wondering and asking and doubting and pressuring myself alot lately.. i was never satisfied with my life and i know i never will. i have alot to tell, but i dun even know where to start off with.. blog has been like a personal diary to me to express everything, tho its publicly seen by almost duno how many ppl. I alwiz encourage and motivate other ppl, but it seems dat when it comes to myself, i dun know how to motivate myself. I dun want to make people beside me worry about me but then every actions dat i show, makes them reali uncomfortable.. I tried my very best to be someone.. I chase after my dream life, alwiz have.. bt then the more i chase, i feel its getting further.. am i doin it the right way? dis has been going thru my mind for quite sometime ady. Well, at times when i sit down, all i do was giving ppl the blank stare look which alot of ppl wud think im in a bad mood, but then im not. life ain't as easy as some people might think it wud b. probably i set my expectation too high so im actually over stressing myself out.. i alwiz wanted to be the best, alwiz want to be someone who is different from other people, alwiz wanted to b the 1st in everything, alwiz wanted to have the kind of life everyone wanted so much bt cudnt have... i wanted to be someone special.. I hav a great bf, a great love life.. i still dun knw wad more i need.. Probably i still feel insecure.. Well, i know wad is important and the not-so-important thing to me.. i actually fear that i am now living in a dream tat i wud soon wake up back to reality.. each day i wake up with juz one reason, because i have my partner. I am not trying to act as if i rely on him but reality is he's the only reason i am motivated enuff to b someone better.. being with him, i learn alot of things.. he dun have to teach me but his actions tells me alot of things.. he's a great guy.. a reali great guy dat im lucky enuff to b with.. thr might b alot of girls dat is not as lucky as me to have him, bt then i am the one lucky person. As much as i appreciate our rlship and him, i still feel if i dun turn out to b someone better, i'll still loose him one day.. a wise person once told me, i u want to change someone, you must 1st change yourself.. earth is oso not created in a day..

as im writing this my head and eyes are getting heavy, im physically tired but then my heart is still beating... my heart is still beating hoping tat hope is still thr.. today will b the last day i will b blogging as the vivien people once knew and remembered.. the next time you see me blogging.. i will b someone different.. someone more confident in herself.. someone dat will never have to envy others cause i have it all.. today will also be the last time im shedding tears because i regret being this way cause i know in time to come i will b someone dat even i myself will look up to.. i will b forcing myself to do so.. no matter wad, i am not gonna lose to some stupid reality saying dat 'HOI!! wake up liao..' and for sure im not goin to lose sth i reali love over sth dat i know i cud change the fact.. i know i can.. i know i can..



i am listening to a particular song for almost duno how many hours ady since mrning jz now.. im addicted to it and its reali nice.. these are the lyrics dat has been translated.. and the meaning are diz..

01. Over You
translation by: frostedsnow (also credit: aheeyah.com)

From now, things gonna be changed
Your beautiful smile, your sexy body so smooth and killing me
But things gonna be different, I promise
Cause I'm so over you

3, 2, 1, oh

Swallowing a sigh, I remind myself that you are just a stranger now
I turn on the lights in my room, because in the darkness, all I can see is you
Pulling out the heart chained in the past with you, I try to rescue it
In tears that formed with the early morning dewdrops,
I throw up the poisonous attachment to you that lingered inside of me

*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you

**I want to live a solid and steady life
I’ll find my composure once again
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you

The flowers have blossomed beautifully – a beauty I overlooked in my obsession for you
I enjoyed the books I read – words that held no meaning or comfort in the past
All the lovely things around me were hidden behind the world you embodied
Only now do I discover this, after fighting across my river of tears

*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you

**I want to live a solid and steady life
I’ll find my composure once again
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you

In the days to come, when I look back on this moment,
The last time I’ll promise ‘forever’
Will give me strength to protect another once again

*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you

**I want to live a solid and steady life, I’m going to love you
I’ll find my composure once again; I’m going to find you
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you

I'm so over you, I'm so over you
I'm so over you, I'm so over you

Im bek after a few days missing from blogging.. reason being cuz im buzy coping with my tight schedule.. Plus i am sick at the moment, due to.. well who knw's wad.. it might b stress, or mayb lack of rest or mayb due to the rain i caught the other day.. Lame rite..
I am so dead and freaking tired.. But i reali am very happy these few days.. after a battle of decisions and alot of obstacles.. we are finally together. Good thing is, our anniversary date is the easiest to rmb, 1st.. hahaha.. Well the other day i thought that my NY wish wudn't came true bt then he made it possible for me. Things has been goin smoothly these few days.. He's so sweet to me, altho he teases me as usual.. His mouth are like laser.. tsk tsk* bully me bully me.. hahah.. bt then everytime when he teases me, i never got pissed off instead i laughed and laughed and laughed.. and we both are like cat's and dog's in the office.. and his sis wud b laughing and laughing and laughing juz looking at us both..

A few days before we went for a movie tgther with liang, lynn, min, hsien, houngzai as well as yee chen.. we went to watch the vampire's assistant.. Its not reali a bad movie tho, quite entertaining but not reali those type of movie i would considered reali reali caught my mind. heheh.. bt goin tgther with a bunch of frens, den its a diff story.. I reali had great time and lotsa fun with all of them and especially when he's there.. Good time alwiz fly by fast, and probably in less than two month we will not b seeing each other till end of the year.. I'll then b bz with studies as well and i guess he will oso b the same.. Tho i know i'll reali miss him bt then i still support him no matter wer he might be.. You know, its not reali an easy thing living alone out there where your closest family might b who know's how many hundred thousand km away from u.. I had my own experience living alone outside and to experience wad real life is.. so i understand his feelings being out there.. Tho you might hav frens but then nth compares to those dat you grew up with.

Oh yea, btw.. dun ever go to equatorial hotel's buffet.. it sux to the max and its not worth even a single cents u giv out.. the foods are not hot enuff, the taste are OMG!! i dare not describe.. and so far my experience as food lover and critique.. this is the worst one i had. Even those buffet in a malay wedding taste better than the one i had.. only a few dishes dat are still eatable.. We went tgther with his sis and two frens of theirs, whom i dun know.. haah..

I appreciate those time, every single moments dat i am with him.. He might b at times abit playful but then he treat me reali nice.. i cud juz say that he suits every single points im looking for in a man. He is reali straightfwd.. and i mean really!! but then i rather dat he was dat way than someone who lies without even blinking their eyes.. He's a guy i can reali see a future with.. Who know's how long we might last, who know how long that we are gonna live, mayb we might even die tmrw.. bt then.. i appreciate each and every single second with him.. i will never let myself to have the chance to regret later on..

i know u might b reading this, so this is sth i want u to knw.. sometimes i might not turn out to be someone u alwiz dreamt to have, im not perfect and might never be.. i will still try to b someone prefect for u eventho u never ask for.. thank u so much for all those laughter's and joy dat u brought into my life.. thank you for those warm hugs and words dat u said.. thank you taking care of me and showering me with all the loves i can have.. thank you so much for being thr for me whenever i needed someone and lastly.. i know at times i might b a pain in the butt because of my attitude which is abit rough compared to other girls.. im sorry for that... you know, u touched my heart in many many ways dat you never realized and all those are things dat meant so much to me.. tho its has onli been a few days but then it felt like years to me already.. i want u to rmb this, 也许我什么都没有，但我会吧最好的都给你。i love you Kent Win.. ♥

Well my buddy is bek in Penang today.. can't wait to see her.. hahahha...