I've been wondering and asking and doubting and pressuring myself alot lately.. i was never satisfied with my life and i know i never will. i have alot to tell, but i dun even know where to start off with.. blog has been like a personal diary to me to express everything, tho its publicly seen by almost duno how many ppl. I alwiz encourage and motivate other ppl, but it seems dat when it comes to myself, i dun know how to motivate myself. I dun want to make people beside me worry about me but then every actions dat i show, makes them reali uncomfortable.. I tried my very best to be someone.. I chase after my dream life, alwiz have.. bt then the more i chase, i feel its getting further.. am i doin it the right way? dis has been going thru my mind for quite sometime ady. Well, at times when i sit down, all i do was giving ppl the blank stare look which alot of ppl wud think im in a bad mood, but then im not. life ain't as easy as some people might think it wud b. probably i set my expectation too high so im actually over stressing myself out.. i alwiz wanted to be the best, alwiz want to be someone who is different from other people, alwiz wanted to b the 1st in everything, alwiz wanted to have the kind of life everyone wanted so much bt cudnt have... i wanted to be someone special.. I hav a great bf, a great love life.. i still dun knw wad more i need.. Probably i still feel insecure.. Well, i know wad is important and the not-so-important thing to me.. i actually fear that i am now living in a dream tat i wud soon wake up back to reality.. each day i wake up with juz one reason, because i have my partner. I am not trying to act as if i rely on him but reality is he's the only reason i am motivated enuff to b someone better.. being with him, i learn alot of things.. he dun have to teach me but his actions tells me alot of things.. he's a great guy.. a reali great guy dat im lucky enuff to b with.. thr might b alot of girls dat is not as lucky as me to have him, bt then i am the one lucky person. As much as i appreciate our rlship and him, i still feel if i dun turn out to b someone better, i'll still loose him one day.. a wise person once told me, i u want to change someone, you must 1st change yourself.. earth is oso not created in a day..
as im writing this my head and eyes are getting heavy, im physically tired but then my heart is still beating... my heart is still beating hoping tat hope is still thr.. today will b the last day i will b blogging as the vivien people once knew and remembered.. the next time you see me blogging.. i will b someone different.. someone more confident in herself.. someone dat will never have to envy others cause i have it all.. today will also be the last time im shedding tears because i regret being this way cause i know in time to come i will b someone dat even i myself will look up to.. i will b forcing myself to do so.. no matter wad, i am not gonna lose to some stupid reality saying dat 'HOI!! wake up liao..' and for sure im not goin to lose sth i reali love over sth dat i know i cud change the fact.. i know i can.. i know i can..
i am listening to a particular song for almost duno how many hours ady since mrning jz now.. im addicted to it and its reali nice.. these are the lyrics dat has been translated.. and the meaning are diz..
01. Over You
translation by: frostedsnow (also credit: aheeyah.com)
From now, things gonna be changed
Your beautiful smile, your sexy body so smooth and killing me
But things gonna be different, I promise
Cause I'm so over you
3, 2, 1, oh
Swallowing a sigh, I remind myself that you are just a stranger now
I turn on the lights in my room, because in the darkness, all I can see is you
Pulling out the heart chained in the past with you, I try to rescue it
In tears that formed with the early morning dewdrops,
I throw up the poisonous attachment to you that lingered inside of me
*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you
**I want to live a solid and steady life
I’ll find my composure once again
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you
The flowers have blossomed beautifully – a beauty I overlooked in my obsession for you
I enjoyed the books I read – words that held no meaning or comfort in the past
All the lovely things around me were hidden behind the world you embodied
Only now do I discover this, after fighting across my river of tears
*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you
**I want to live a solid and steady life
I’ll find my composure once again
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you
In the days to come, when I look back on this moment,
The last time I’ll promise ‘forever’
Will give me strength to protect another once again
*The break of dawn is coming
I have the desire to love again, I want to dream again
Even if I get hurt in the process a thousand times, I have the will to heal again
I’m so over you
**I want to live a solid and steady life, I’m going to love you
I’ll find my composure once again; I’m going to find you
When the tears stop, our separation will just be another memory
I’m so over you
I'm so over you, I'm so over you
I'm so over you, I'm so over you
I'm so over you
my egg sandwich gone... tmrw nit to make another new one.. cuz the one dat i made today wont last till tmrw.. sigh~ luckily parents bought a new one.. if not i'll reali scream cuz all my foods will b spoilt.. darn~
