nothing ever goes right.
i tried to stay positive...
i tried to avoid thinking nonsense..
but i don't know why i am not able to stand up.. not able to pull the strength out of myself..
everyday i need medicine to calm me down, to keep me laughing and happy..
i feel like a drug addict now.. i need all this pills to let me go to sleep.. i need all this thing to make me a human which at times i feel like im being controlled by them.
im happy on the outside but i am not on the inside..
i got no true friends that loves me,
i don't feel love anymore..
words from my parents crush my heart, they dont seem to bother or care about my situation anymore..
friends are never there when you need them or thy're just avoiding you...
work is alwiz something you think it might take your thoughts off all the unhappy things but this work is not.. its giving me more mental issues..
love life on the other hand.. i feel im destroying it bits by bits..
nothing seems to go right.. everything is goin the total opposite of wer its supposed to go..
my head is spinning so hard now that i feel vomitting..
running on slight Fever,
my eyes are so sore due to massive crying...
my heart feels so empty..
my head is filled up with thoughts of dying...
i am so depressed now..
i don't feel like how i used to feel the world anymore..
the world seems so meaningless to me now..
i feel so tired of crying almost everyday..
12hours at work,
3hours in a day having meals,
1.5hour a day taking bath,
1.5hour a day driving tru n fro from work,
1/2 hour applying medication on my F ugly face,
and the rest is taking my medicine to go to sleep...
i don't know what to do anymore.. i feel like ending all these sorrows in my heart once and for all.. if there is anyone out there that can save me, please tell me.. cause i don't want to wait anymore.. if not i just want to go in peace.
a few of my closest friends asked me,
'why are you so quiet and looked lost lately? you wernt like this laz time.. are you alrite?'
I wish tat i would be able to answer them this but however i was asking myself the same question too. each day literally i had those thoughts of ending everything in my life. I cried almost every single day without a reason. I would be happy now and very upset the next minute. You can see me talking to myself at times, you can even see that my eyes dun seem to have a life in it. Im practically a dead walking zombie that has just lost its soul. I looked up numerous psychiatrist that is available in penang, but each time im wondering.. if i go.. what should i say. im tired of alwiz having the thoughts of feeling insecure and wanting to die. im reali goin mad.. its juz a matter of time i reali did that. im tired n sick of al this.. bt im glad parents dun knw bout this. at least thy dun have to worry
i wish i was in Aus now. i really need him.. bt i knw its impossible.......
Today wasnt a really good day for me. I am really exhausted plus my mood is really really bad. Thursday was supposed to be a family dinner night as usual but then i made it into a disaster. the only day that mum n dad is able to have a proper meal as a family with me and i had to leave early as im rushing home to get my sleep. I fucking hate having to alwiz wake up so early to rush to penang just in time to avoid the 730 jam whereas my working times is at 9. But then i got no choice as most major multinational company is located in Penang. I wud just have to bear with that. Having to sleep ard 9 or 10 everyday is supposed to be sufficient for me but yet i am still very tired and exhausted. Almost each day i would doze off while driving, and almost a few times almost caught myself with accident because of that. I cried in the car just now while driving home feeling so guilty leaving my parents behind to finish their meal but i got no choice. Each day i will try my very best to get more sales but then things weren't so beautiful as it seems. I give myself the motivation i needed, i give myself the pressure that is required so that i would not fail to get myself placed as permanent.. i try not to let everyone around me b disappointed at me. I hate being so cranky and moody everyday. Even now i lost my appetite to eat. I hardly finish half the portion of my meal just now. i ate only a few bites and left the rest to my parents. Mum just said to me, if they wud have know i wud act like this, they rather went home straight. Almost each day i came back feeling so happy that i can finally rest my head on the pillow. But each day i feel so heart ache, i don't know y? I am sorry. I am trying the best i can to be someone better.. im really tired... i wish there was sth i can do...
I always thought that i'm aware of what im doing. But it seems that i don't. Sadness is a part of me, being emotional is a part of me, anger fills me up, disappointment always lurks around me while happiness is always a distance away or probably beyond reachable. Each time im frustrated i will turn on the music so loud that i could hear nothing but the music, close my eyes and dance..
I tried my best to be someone that i can say perfect, instead i am turning more and more into someone that is the total opposite. I am always so conscious about my looks, my looks and the way i act and probably i am too conscious that i turned into a monster. Maybe i am still that selfish that's why i am left alone till now.. Someone once told me that if i don't change i WILL b left alone..
I feel that its coming into a reality now. I feel changes happening, bad changes to me but mayb good changes for others. I can't stop being a drama queen, i can't stop being a BITCH.. i don't even know what i want. I feel so lost. I feel no one is there to pull me.. i feel so left out. i am beginning to hate myself for all that happened. I hate being so emotional all the times. i hate being so sensitive to every words people are saying. i hate it even more when im being ignored after an argument. i hate being left alone during my most weakest time.. I told myself to be strong.. i cannot let others have the chance to defeat me.. bt each time i failed.. i alwiz show the white flag in most of situations.. Can i b princess for once in a while?
WHAT IF
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIxFjvc7ApY )
What if?
What if im the one for you?
And you're the one for me?
What If...
If you are the one
then us meeting here is fate
Future with a dog named red
Buy a house with a fireplace
This is the first I've seen your face
but there a chance we are soul mates
I know that this might sounds crazy,
Cause you dont know my name
Chorus
But we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tutututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We all could say tutututtudotudotudo
Baby what if
What if (x6)
Picture me on one knee
with the perfect diamond ring
we just met, but if you say yes
we'd have our wedding on the beach
it could happen, raise three kids
and we grow old so happily.
I know it may sound crazy
cause I don't know your name
Chorus
but we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just, the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We could all say tutututudotudotudo
Baby what if
Bridge
Don't know what tomorrow brings
but I'm still hoping
that you are the one for me
Oh and what if I had you, and what if you had me and
baby whats the reason we can't fall in love?
What if..?
What if..?
What if..?
Chorus 2X
but we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just, the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We all can say tututudotudotudo
Baby what if
Tear up the photographs, but yesterday won't let go
Every day, every day, every minute
Here comes the emptiness, just can't be lonely you know
Every day, every day, hey, hey
This second chancin's really getting me down
You give and takin' everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was you
I'd rather walk alone, don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I fall a thousand times for I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey, hey
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling we've already been here before
It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was
Tell me with so many out there why I always turn to you?
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was you
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIxFjvc7ApY )
What if?
What if im the one for you?
And you're the one for me?
What If...
If you are the one
then us meeting here is fate
Future with a dog named red
Buy a house with a fireplace
This is the first I've seen your face
but there a chance we are soul mates
I know that this might sounds crazy,
Cause you dont know my name
Chorus
But we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tutututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We all could say tutututtudotudotudo
Baby what if
What if (x6)
Picture me on one knee
with the perfect diamond ring
we just met, but if you say yes
we'd have our wedding on the beach
it could happen, raise three kids
and we grow old so happily.
I know it may sound crazy
cause I don't know your name
Chorus
but we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just, the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We could all say tutututudotudotudo
Baby what if
Bridge
Don't know what tomorrow brings
but I'm still hoping
that you are the one for me
Oh and what if I had you, and what if you had me and
baby whats the reason we can't fall in love?
What if..?
What if..?
What if..?
Chorus 2X
but we can't,
we can't tell,
the future no
but that's just, the beauty of the world we know
So imma say tututudotudotudo
Baby, what if
We all can say tututudotudotudo
Baby what if
I have so much to think right now.. got a big challenge starting next week which determines if im IN or im OUT.. im so demotivated after a stupid argument and indeed a stupid one.. i juz wanted someone to agree to me at times, is that so hard..
Tear up the photographs, but yesterday won't let go
Every day, every day, every minute
Here comes the emptiness, just can't be lonely you know
Every day, every day, hey, hey
This second chancin's really getting me down
You give and takin' everything I dreamed about
It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was you
I'd rather walk alone, don't wanna chase you around
Every day, every day, every minute
I fall a thousand times for I let you drag me down
Every day, every day, hey, hey
Your new beginning was a perfect ending
But I keep feeling we've already been here before
It's time you let me know, let me know, just let go
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was
Tell me with so many out there why I always turn to you?
Your goodbyes tear me down every time
And it's so easy to see that the blame is on me
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was a simple way to get over you
All I ever wanted, all I ever wanted
Was an in between to escape this desperate scene
Where every law reveals the truth
Baby 'cause I all ever wanted, all I ever wanted was you
sometimes i dun knw if its wise to listen to promises cause ppl tend to forget what thy promised after some time which lead to serious heartache and disappointment.. for me the only things that keep me happy was love and love is also the only thing dat kills my soul. What if? what if i never existed, would i be happier.. i need love.. i need him more than anything.. bt i aint getting what i need.. i wish there was sth i can do to change all this.. i wished that non of this ever happened.. i wish things were the same like how it started at 1st wer both were as happy as a pair of doves. now, i feel its impossible to change any of that.. if my other half were here, mayb none of this will happen.. what shud i do? i cant stand this anymore.. i hate being left alone at this kind of time.. i hate the feeling of crying each time sth goes wrong.. i wish there were someone to hug me now... someone dat i could cry on his shoulder... someone to listen to me.. bt things changed now.. i dun feel that anymore... all i felt nw was a cold shoulder and the feelings of ignorance..
I have finished training and will officially b on the floor picking up calls starting Monday onwards.. gosh!! kinda nervous bt then im looking forward to it.. Well, sooner or later its gona happen oso rite... so might as well face it earlier n get used to it.. Im gona make sure i hit all my targets so that i can b converted into perm since now im onli under contract.. kesian =(
well, it has been quite a tiring week for me.. lately i realized i went to bed straight after work.. i dun feel like goin out, not even on weekends.. i have been exhausted, stressed up and definitely putting on weight since i joined Dell.. hahahha... good foods from the bosses and vendors.. if i dun watch out for my weight i guess by the time my bf come back, he wont b able to recognize me anymore.. T.T
good news, my face is recovering frm the massive breakouts.. im on medication for the past one week and the result is clearly seen.. let me see.. i guess apart frm the skin medication, the sinus medication is oso almost finishing soon d.. after another month den im medicine-FREE... no more annoying pills for me dy..
i reali dun understand how come lately i am so so so afraid of cold.. the other day during training i nit to put on two jackets n shiver while the others are feeling kinda humid n hot cause the temperature is ady 25.. =.=!! thy were like ' ey u got problem kah.. we so hot u so cold =.=!!'
im sooooooooo tired... i guess tmrw i will continue blogging more.. nite nite
i have just started working in a totally different and new environment. the first two days wasnt that bad for me, or so it was. i am starting to enjoy the training that is gona last for the first 2 weeks and after dat is goin live for me. im getting kinda nervous if i cud catch up, worrying if i will b kicked out. so many things... ppl is having their mid 40's crisis n im having my early 20's crisis. wad a boomer huh~ bt to b frank, im scared to be alone.. im 22 this year.. changing so many jobs within my 4 years of working life, hoping here n thr frm kl to penang to kl and now back to penang. im getting sick and tired of the life im goin thru now. it seems i didn't really had time to breath other den caught up in work. i wish i was bek in college.. at least apart frm those assignments and exams, i dun have to get worried abt age, loosing jobs or even commitments.. my brain is totally crashed right now, juz like how a hard disk got crash.. i cant think of anything and all i can do right now is emo n emo n more emo... ppl are getting fed up with the attitude im having right now. parents are getting frustrated of looking at my sour pissed face and im getting tired of life.. i see friends who is still having honeymoon in schools and at least after thy graduate thy will onli b starting their working life probably ard 23/24 and yet i have started mine since im 18.. i feel more like a 25 right now rather den who i am supposed to feel.. that reali explains the mixed up feelings im having rite now..
lately i love to argue alot with my bf, i love to complain alot like an old woman, i love to brag abt stuffs, i love to do almost everything a mid 20's wud do.. i feel so old, felt so tied up in life.. i feel like crashing anytime bt i got no one thr for me.. if i wud have crashed, thr's no way i wud b able to stand up again.. if my parents are well to do enuff, i wudnt hav a problem.. bt thy arent.. i had to b strong, or forced to be strong.. i wan to b a kid again.. i wan to stay out of pressure.. i cant stand the pressure im goin thru now.. i am suffocating, i cant breath, im not happy.... i hate being emotional almost everyday or crying almost every nights or even wishing it was weekend again every weekdays. i hate crying everytime i blog.. i wish that there was sth happi dat i cud blog about.. i guess apart frm being in a rlship.. thrs nth happy to blog abt.. my life is juz so fucking sad. tho i hope so much to have sth happy to blog abt.. bt guess thr isn't..
i feel so much under pressure dat my head is goin to explode anytime soon. i hate it.. i totally hate it.. i hate giving ppl the impression that i am an attention seeker by posting all these fucking blogs abt how emo i am bt then i am not ok.. blog is sth close to me, sth dat i cud release my anger, frustration and emotion to.. this is my journal, this is me. if u hate looking at this kinda blogs, mayb u shud juz go sumwer else.. probably to some Bimbo's blog.. well i am definitely not a pretender or an attention seeker.. im juz being myself and writing abt sth dat i feel.
at least after blogging.. life still continue.. tmrw is still a working day.. nth changes.. except reminding myself i have a future to feed..
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